There's Feelings, and There's Feelings
Hi guys! Back again with the third book of 'The Jr. Pop Diaries: Year 3'. Some really heavy stuff's coming up, so brace yourselves!
1. Regrettably, I Have To…
Couldn’t you believe it? I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I felt like I was hit badly in the gut when Tana stormed out. But I had said it for her safety, didn’t I? I didn’t think what I did was wrong. But, oh, wait, I did.
And I had to pay for it.
2. Elijah Milne, Spiritual Detective
Narrative Continued by Elijah
What happened between Trevor and Tana was colossal, appalling, and all the synonyms of the aforementioned words. And let me cut to the chase before I spiral into a thesaurus—I was determined to resolve it.
Trevor said I was his spiritual advisor. Was love part of the spiritual dilemma? I would like to think so with reference to Episode 9, ‘The Guru’, of ‘Book 2: Earth’, in ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’. And I found my answer quickly. It had to do with unlocking a certain ‘chakra’: the air chakra, located in the heart, and it is, to quote the summary on the Avatar wiki, ‘dealing with love, and blocked by grief’. I had learnt to open my air chakra early in my third year. Or maybe it was my second. My air chakra was blocked by grief from Mrs. Wilson’s passing, but it was opened by another Wilson: Wylie. I wondered whether she had unlocked hers. If so, did I open it? I hoped I had.
According to Avatar, the secret to unlocking the air chakra is reborn love. In the episode, Aang’s love for the Air Nomads was tinged with grief because of the Air Nomad genocide, but his love was reborn as new love—from Katara. I think that’s how it went with me, too, as I had mentioned before. Mrs. Wilson’s love for me was reborn as Wylie. I think that is the reason I desperately, silently, begged Wylie to see into my heart for herself. She had to understand.
Now, where was I? I guess I went on too much about me. I had to help Trevor, of course. But really, his air chakra was the most open! Angela always said he had a heart bigger than the world, and it grew still with Tana. So, weirdly enough, his supposed grief about the one person would have to be reborn with new love by the same person. How strange. Yet, the world works in mysterious ways, and as a spiritual detective, as said in the precedent title of this chapter, I was itching to fix things between them, and fix things about myself.
In the studio, I casually sauntered towards Trevor, already having planned in my mind what to say. He was practising in the dance room, and this, I noticed, is a regular habit when he wants to ‘blow off steam’. I was going to interrupt him, I realised, and that may either cause disaster or…eh, it may not be so bad.
“Friend,” I said, treading carefully, however. “I’d like to know how you’re doing.”
“I guess I’m okay,” he grunted while pulling a backflip.
“Ah.” I nodded, but I could see that he was clearly not okay. He had done a backflip and danced aggressively, which called to me the dance style known as krump. I read that krump calls for anger, so surely Trevor krumping is a sign that he was clearly vexed.
When the music stopped, Trevor collapsed on the floor, breathing hard.
“You should take up Tiger Claw training from Wylie,” I mused.
“Is that part of Avatar?” He asked.
“No, it’s part of ‘Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings’. Tiger Claw calls for roughness. And you were…” I paused, thinking, then continued. “…clearly rough.”
Trevor was lying on his back, so I went to stand mere inches from his head. I bent down. “A possible counter will be tai-chi.”
“I am in no mood for tai chi,” he said.
I kneeled. “Well, you should be a firebender.”
“I should.” He sounded sceptical.
“It depends, friend. Oh, that reminds me: would you like to come over to Wylie’s home to role-play Avatar with me and her? As, well, EliTreLie?”
He mulled it over. “I have two questions: one, how do you play it? I’ve only heard of ‘Dungeons & Dragons’. And two: how do you know Wylie has that game?”
“To answer your first question, you’ll find out soon,” I said.
“And how does—” Trevor started, but I cut him off.
“To answer your second: I just do.”
He shook his head. “Alright then, Mr. Mysterious.”
“It’s Mr. Spiritual Detective. I am entitled to be mysterious.”
“Whatever.”
I was getting quite irritated, and finally said, “Come on, let’s go.”
3. ‘Video Game’
Narrative Continued by Wylie
My phone rang, and not at the most inconvenient time. But I was practising tai chi, so an interruption wasn’t exactly the best. I picked it up anyway.
“Hey, Wylie!” It was Egan.
“Hi, Egan. What’s up?”
“Okay, so, you know Sean, right? Sean Callahan?”
“Sure do!” I grinned.
“Well, so Sean and I have been talking, and we’re gonna do a new song together.”
“That’s sweet? So, uh, why’d you call?”
“Oh, I called ‘cause we have a female rap section. I think you’re the best to handle it, so I wanted to see if you would say yes.”
“Are you kidding? Of course, I’m in!”
“Great! If it’s all right with you, come over to YT Studios. I’ll brief you on the song.”
“I’m coming right away.”
I put my phone down and grinned. My first collab! I was so happy. I quickly packed my things and headed to YouTube Studios.
When I reached there (I ran all the way), I headed to EganB LLC, where I met Egan and Sean. Egan handed me a paper, which I immediately knew were lyrics.
“‘Video Game’,” I read the title of the song aloud.
“Mm-hmm. I got the idea after a good ‘Call of Duty’ run-through. I think life is like that—measuring our stats and levels and clearing ‘em all.” Egan was proud of it.
After a few rehearsals, we were ready for recording the next day. I couldn’t wait.
So, I might’ve rushed it a little, but I really want to let you know about the rec. You promise to stay put for now? Great!
So, in the recording room, I put on my headset and ran soundcheck before Egan and Sean arrived. When they did come and went through their stuff, the guys outside told us we could start recording.
The music started, retro and game-like. Electronic. And first was the chorus by Egan:
“OK, life is what we play
We just level up like a video game
Like a, like a video game
Jumping over everything in our way, OK
OK, life is what we play
We just level up like a video game
Like a, like a video game
Jumping over everything in our way, OK…”
Then, Egan had his rap:
“She said she'd never date a rapper
Hold up, hold up, woah
You sound like Pinocchio
You are welcome in my castle
But you cannot touch the gold
They say why you tryna floss
I say baby I'm a boss (hold up)
Get up on my level
See the fire on my flow
If you boujee then we Gucci
If you moody it's the door
Better press start
Main mission to inspire
Multiplayer song
Why? Cause we building the empire even higher—“
And back to chorus:
“OK, life is what we play
We just level up like a video game
Like a, like a video game
Jumping over everything in our way, OK
OK, life is what we play
We just level up like a video game
Like a, like a video game
Jumping over everything in our way, OK…”
After that, Sean jumped in:
“If life is a game
I'm a superhero
I save all the commas
I chase all of zeros
I'm from outer space
I gotta blend in
I don't wear a cape though
Just an MCM
Hold up, hold up, reload
These haters are weak bro
We play life on expert
You need all the cheat codes
If life is a game
Then I pack a flamethrower
I just (brrr brrr)
Now this verse is game over…”
Chorus:
“OK, life is what we play
We just level up like a video game
Like a, like a video game
Jumping over everything in our way, OK
OK, life is what we play
We just level up like a video game
Like a, like a video game
Jumping over everything in our way, OK…”
And then (finally!) I had this verse to myself:
“Baby, I'm a bad chick
Blonde hair, classic
Pass me the controller
And you know I'll super smash it
We don't want your average
This combo fantastic
Stay ballin so hard
They think we play for the Mavericks
The Mavericks? The Mavericks
Stay shoppin on plastic
I could switch it up
And these haters can't get passed it
If life is a game, I'm a gamer chick
Got my name on the high score of this greatest hit
(OK, OK, OK)…”
Back to chorus:
“OK, life is what we play
We just level up like a video game
Like a, like a video game
Jumping over everything in our way, OK
OK, life is what we play
We just level up like a video game
Like a, like a video game
Jumping over everything in our way, OK…”
And the end.
After the recording, Egan grinned and turned to us. “Don’t worry, it’s not over yet. We still have the music video.”
“What? You gotta be kidding,” I said, but I was even more excited.
Egan laughed, then turned to look outside. “Well, I have school and stuff to get back to. Catch you guys later.”
When he left, Sean turned to me. “Wanna hang out for a while?”
“Yeah, sure! I’ll—“ Before I could complete, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw a text from Elijah: Trevor and I are coming over. I think it is a sign we should tabletop role-play Avatar.
“Oh, sorry.” I clucked my tongue. “Um… I have friends coming over. Talk some other time?”
Sean felt sad, so I patted his arm to cheer him up. He gave a small smile and said, “Sure.”
Funny, though, I felt as much regret as he had. It’s like I wanted to hang out with him.
And in a way, I felt things were looking up.
4. You Can Trust Us
Narrative Continued by Tana
The back of YouTube Studios offered a quiet escape, more than the top balcony. And if I ever went back to that balcony again, the same anger, sadness, and regret would come flowing in, and it’d take me back to that fateful day in the dance room. And so, it was the back and not the top floor that I headed to.
When I reached a brick wall, I set my pack down, and slammed my back against the wall, covering my eyes with my hands and crying softly. I thought back to everything that happened last year:
“I’m not gonna handle it well, if you move. You don’t know how much I—“
“I do know. I’ve felt it too.”
Did I?
“Tana… I’m not mad.”
Was he?
“Do you want me back in NYC? Do you?”
“Yeah. I want you back, Tana.”
Did he?
“I’m never gonna leave you standing. I promise.”
He left me standing.
He didn’t believe in us.
I thought he cared.
My hands were wet from the tears. My lips trembled from the sobs.
The same hands he held.
The same lips he kissed.
It was all broken.
Before I could go on crying, someone said, “Hey.”
I jumped and shrieked, “Aah!”
“Relax.” The woman, Nora—my biological mother—stepped out of the shadows. She gave me a small smile, and it felt motherly. “It’s us. Don’t worry.”
“Um…you have a home somewhere?” I asked.
“Sorry, we don’t. Not anymore. Our home was compromised.” The man, Tony—my biological father—was adjusting something on his coat.
“Well…um… I have adopted parents, so… I’m not sure what to call you both.” I was nervous, strangely.
“Call us by our first names. Makes it easier.” Nora adjusted her cuffs on her coat too.
“Okay… Nora.” It felt oddly natural.
“Tana.” Tony walked over to me and looked at me intently. “Who was that boy?”
“What boy?” I asked.
“That boy who said no to us. Do you know him? It seemed like you did.”
I didn’t want to rat Trevor out because even if we weren’t talking, it felt bad to. So, I covered it up by not mentioning his name.
“Oh, he’s one of my bandmates. And…well, everyone knows my situation,” I lied.
“Hm. I highly doubt that.” Nora pursed her lips, but then settled back to a frown, which still wasn’t promising. “We’ll press you later. Right now, you should have something to eat.”
I nodded.
Tony handed me a sub. I took it and ate little bites of it. Nora knelt down in front of me.
“You can trust us. You don’t have to worry about anyone finding you. We’re here now. Everything will stop.”
“Okay.” I finished my sub, then dusted my hands and pulled out my sketchbook.
“Ooh, secret diary girl, huh?” Tony teased.
I shook my head. “Not quite.” I handed my sketchbook for Nora to see. I watched her rifled through the pages, and she smiled proudly. Tony came over to look.
“Wow, that is impressive, Tana. We didn’t know you were into art.”
“I am.”
“You are very talented. Artist, singer, dancer—“ Nora whistled. “You’re like a multipurpose kit!”
“Um…thanks?” I knew that no one ever called me any ‘multipurpose kit’, but I let it slide.
Just then, Nora looked at her watch. “Goodness, I think it’s time for you to go home, Tana. See you tomorrow!”
I nodded, slid my sketchbook into my pack, and left the back and headed home. I felt much better then.
But all the good feelings were gonna go sooner than possible.
5. Voices In My Head
Narrative Resumed by Trevor
I sat in my room, hands clasped between my knees, feet flat on the ground. And I wasn’t crying. That had happened long ago. I was done with that. Yet, I felt like crying. I just had a fleeting moment in my head where a creepy voice whispered in it, saying that I did a grievous wrong, and that I made a colossal mistake, and that I was going to pay for it. But it was not the last of it.
I’d been hearing it a lot now, with the voice growing louder and clearer in my mind. And at the peak, it was like the person was screaming into my head. So much, that I wanted to scream right back.
I let go of my hands and clutched my head. I ran my hands through my hair. My head ached like someone had set red-hot coals on it. I laid back on my bed and grabbed my AirPods and plugged them in my ears, and played Shawn Mendes’ songs on repeat. I laid my head back and sighed.
Fleeting moments of agony.
And fleeting moments of bliss.
The day always went by as usual. I had singing first, then studio school, lunch break, and dance practice, then I went home.
But all the time, my mind wasn’t focused on the day’s routine. Not one bit. It was all focused on these voices in my head. Had this happened before? I racked my head to find a distant memory about this feeling. And I did find one, and it filled me with such horror that I didn’t write it down here. And I didn’t write it here.
I’m saying this just to warn you: it’s gonna come up somewhere soon.
And when you read it, you’ll realise it: I’m not who you think I am.
6. The Waterbending Master
Narrative Continued by Wylie
“Is it possible to hang out with you today?” Sean teased me as I walked out of dance rehearsal.
I rolled my eyes. “Hoo boy, you’re not gonna let that slide, huh?”
He grinned, and I liked the way he grinned—his whole face always lit up with it. Even his greyish-blue eyes shone like water from the Spirit Oasis.
“Well, my idea of hanging out is simple: fighting.” I crossed my arms and smirked. “Wanna say yes?”
Sean shook his head. “I train in kung fu. You’re gonna go down.”
“Really?” I picked up my duffel and headed outside, and Sean followed. “You haven’t heard the stories about me? I can take down ten guys who are taller than me in five seconds,” I said haughtily, though I was just kidding.
Sean laughed. “All right, we’ll spar and find out.”
We went to the backyard of my house and I threw my duffel bag through the window. I retied my ponytail, stretched, did a quick handstand to get the blood rushing to my head, and flopped back up and into a stance. “I’m ready.”
Sean cracked his neck. It kinda looked menacing, but you don’t exactly expect ‘menacing’ from a harmless fourteen-year-old boy. I wasn’t scared at all, and I held my arms steady.
Sean came first. He attacked with a one-two punch to my ribs, but I easily slipped out of the way and stood behind his back. He whirled and kicked high, but I slipped under and stood next to him again, like a calm sifu observing his pupil’s training.
“What are you doing?” Sean asked, throwing another punch at me, but I dodged and smiled charmingly. He was either getting impressed or irritated. I shrugged and stepped to the side as another karate chop headed for me.
When he gave up and nearly walloped me in the face, I took his hand and maybe, unconventionally, pushed his shoulder down with my other hand and dragged him around in a circle on the ground. Sean looked up at me like I was some kind of superhero, which I clearly wasn’t—this was just a friendly duel. After two or three rounds, which made him dizzy enough, I pushed him with my foot against his ribs and sent him sprawling not the grass. I adopted another stance, this time one for firebending. He came at me again, but this time, I was on the offensive and punched and kicked, and he went into defensive mode. Then, as he gained the upper hand and lunged for a tackle which was not martial at all, I grabbed his wrist and pushed him again to the ground. This time, I held my fist up too. Sean sighed and shook his head. “Okay, you win,” he said.
I grinned and pulled him to his feet. “I’m not your regular classic blonde chick.”
“Maybe not.” He dusted his hands off, then looked around. “Where are your parents? Are they around?”
“My dad’s at work, and he’s coming home late. And my mom…” I swallowed and looked down.
“What about her?”
I sighed, a tear rolling down my cheek. “She died four years ago. She’s… well… not around anymore.”
Sean looked pretty somber. “Oh… I… I’m sorry, Wylie.”
I shook my head. “It’s fine. I’m coping with it as good as I can.”
“Death’s not always easy to cope with.” He sat down on the grass, and patted a spot for me to sit too. “I know from experience.”
I sat next to him. “What about it?”
He looked at the grass and ran his hands along it. “My… my little brother died. Cancer. He was actually kind of like my twin, just… a couple of days younger than me. And… it happened a long time ago, but I can remember it.”
“Oh, Sean…” I touched his knee. “I’m sorry, too. My mom had cancer as well. It wasn’t easy.”
He looked into the distance. “Yeah,” he whispered. “It never is.” He looked back at me and smiled. “Guess we’re not so different after all, huh?”
I shrugged back. “Guess so.”
He looked at me, his blue-grey eyes sparkling. “You’re a really cool girl to hang out with.”
“You’re cool too.” I stood up and held out a hand to him. “And if you wanna talk about stuff, you know whom to call.” I winked.
He grabbed my hand and I pulled him up. For a few seconds he stood close, not saying anything. I felt many things rushing through my veins as I looked in his eyes. Weird things, things I hadn’t felt much, and not in this way. When he let go, I stood stock-still, and watched him run out to the road, but not before he stopped to wave at me. I waved back.
But what I failed to notice was, I later learned, Elijah watching from the shadows of Trevor’s house, clearly not happy with everything. Not happy at all.
7. I Can’t Trust You!
Narrative Continued by Tana
I regularly spent time with Nora and Tony behind the studio, talking and joking around, occasionally playing some UNO, and I’d make sketches in my book while they ran errands. They took unusually a long time sometimes, so much so that I had made three perfect drawings by the time they arrive back. And as the errands got longer, the more skeptical I became. It was getting stranger, all right. Oh, wait. I sound like Elijah in this one. But it’s true. I’m a little better at observing than the others, second only to maybe Trevor.
Trevor. A tingle passed through my skin. I hadn’t not thought about him once in a while. I was actually beginning to wonder if he could be forgiven. I had no idea. Perhaps he could be? I wasn’t sure. But my heart ached without him even looking at me during rehearsal. I was hoping things would go back to normal soon.
One day, I was drawing, and my real parents had gone for their errands far too long, so I got up and started looking around for them. I walked through the alley, shouting, “Hello? Nora? Tony? Anybody?”
After a minute or two, I gave up calling out and searched behind the boxes and trash bags. I looked in every nook and cranny. Then, at a particular corner, I saw Nora’s long black hair, like mine, peek out.
“Nora? That you?” I asked.
Nora turned and made a surprised sound, dropping something to the concrete. “Oh! Tana. We didn’t expect you here.”
“Neither did I…” I said, looking at her knees. A particularly vicious dagger glinted in the light. I looked up, startled. She looked guilty and nudged Tony. He looked at the dagger, then at me. He saw my surprise. The couple looked at each other. What were they hiding?
At last, they turned to me, and Nora stepped out. She put a hand on my shoulder, quite close to my neck, then suddenly clamped on with a dangerous grip.
“You are not going to tell anybody. Our cat’s out of the bag, but that doesn’t mean we won’t get away with it. And if you do, we’ll find you. And you’ll need to face dire consequences. Got it?”
I nodded, too afraid to speak. These guys weren’t what they seemed. They were criminals too. And they had one goal: to get me involved. I didn’t know at the time, but it sure looked like it. I wasn’t taking part in their plans.
“She’s not gonna listen like that. You gotta be a little more severe, Nora.” Tony got up, and for a second, he looked like that evil father in ‘Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings’, which I remembered from when we saw it in the theatre as a celebration of the formation of Alumni. But this was not a celebration. This was a death trap.
Tony tossed Nora the dagger, and I looked at it, alarmed. What were they gonna do?
Nora held the sharp metal near my face, below my eye, and made a quick slit through my skin near it, that hurt so badly I dropped to the ground and covered my cheek, gasping.
“It’s gonna be a lot worse if you go tattling anyone. Much worse. Understood?”
I didn’t respond quick enough, so she stamped the ground to make herself heard. “Understood?”
I nodded quickly.
“And you will be coming back every day, no matter what. You don’t show up, you know the drill.”
I took off running. I didn’t even bother with my pack, and just headed back inside, tears running down my face.
And the cut.
The cut that destroyed the trust I built.
When I went home, I made up a lie about getting hurt while playing indoor dodgeball. Mom bandaged it up, but as I went back to the alley again, I knew what they had in store for me. Nora and Tony would physically torture me for a full 15 minutes, hitting me badly in one place for a long time. After seven days of coming up with excuses, I couldn’t go home anymore. I had to stay somewhere else.
On the ninth day, I found the storage room that belonged to Jr. Pop, and found cans of food and water. I could stay here. I’d had to go down to those criminals, but I couldn’t tell anyone. Not even my parents.
I was all alone.
This went on for what felt like weeks. I always came to my hiding place bruised, battered and delirious. And it was another few days that I went crazy. Everywhere I went, I was sure that the Wells—I refuse to call them anything else—were watching, waiting to hurt me more. I was hallucinating and having nightmares too. And then, the mental stress took its toll, and on the thirteenth day, I passed out on the floor of the storage room.
Everything went black.
8. I… I Found Her.
Narrative Resumed by Trevor
Mr. B called us to his office after rehearsal a couple of days after the voices in my head started. I thought he just wanted to discuss regular Jr. Pop stuff with us, but there was more.
“Kids, I have news,” he said, swivelling around in his chair to look at us. He was quite tired. There were dark circles underneath his eyes, which were also red. Whatever he wanted to tell us wasn’t good.
“Tana’s… missing.”
My heart stopped. I looked at him, making sure he was just joking. But he wasn’t. And that’s why he looked so bad—being her adopted father, he was surely devastated. His only child to go missing was difficult to handle. And if he couldn’t, what about us? What about me? Would I be able to handle it?
Elijah immediately went into detective mode. “When did you see her last, sir?”
“About a couple of weeks ago. I think she got more injuries from playing indoor dodgeball… there were some nasty scrapes on her arms and legs. After that… she never came back home…” He choked up. I looked at Elijah, who looked equally worried. I thought he was going to write the details down in some notebook, but then I remembered he had a photographic memory. He could even remember the small sobs Mr. Bowers made when he said everything to him.
When we left the office, Elijah turned to us. I knew he was going to get ready to plan. He wasn’t letting emotions get to him.
“Friends, the best hope we have of finding her is a roving multipoint search. All about YouTube Studios. We shall split up and cover all the four floors. If we find anything, we’ll text each other and the Bowers. Good enough?”
We nodded. Everyone was on board. Elijah and Wylie were headed to the first floor. Isaiah and Angela took the third floor, and Julianna and Ahnya the fourth. Since Jr. Pop was on the second floor itself, I decided to search properly. I ran down the hall, checking everywhere. I even peeked in the other rooms, and asked the people there to find Tana. I then circled back to the studio and went inside each room, from the recording studio to the set to the wardrobe to the common room. I was giving up hope.
Just then, my phone buzzed. I pulled it out and saw a message from Elijah:
We just checked the back alley. We found this:
Attached below was a picture of Tana’s sketchbook and pack.
I quickly texted back: This means she was in the alley. What was she doing there?
Elijah popped up again: I don’t know, Trevor. But do NOT lose hope. This is a potential clue. I will inform everyone if Wylie and I find anything else. Keep looking!
I nodded and rechecked the whole floor. Nobody had found Tana. I was getting worried, and looked in the last place I thought of: the storage room in Jr. Pop. I opened the door and looked around the boxes placed on the floor. There was no one. I clasped my head in frustration.
We have to find her.
We need to.
I kicked the ground, but I didn’t hear the squeak of marble. What I heard was something else.
I looked down and saw a hand. It looked limp. My breath tightened, and I followed the hand into a corner of the room. And I gasped in horror, my hands flying to my mouth, tears rolling down my eyes.
I knelt down, freely crying, and grabbed the hand. Sadness flowed through my veins. I reached for my phone, and with shaky hands, called Mr. B. When he picked up, I choked out:
“Mr. Bowers, I… I found her.”
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