I Always Have...

The fifth book of 'The Jr. Pop Diaries: Year 2'! And, big twist at the end that will probably leave mouths gaping. Yup. Not joking. Read below!

1. I Need You…

…and you know that.

Always have.

But how did you make the tough decision?

One which you couldn’t reverse?

Of moving…away?

It’s what I wanted to ask Tana, and you’ll find out eventually why.

---

2. Tour! (Plus A Party)

Mr. Bowers suddenly burst in on us during studio school. 

“Kids, I have great news! It’s…tour time!”

We cheered. For Elijah, Wylie, Tana and I, it was our second tour. Last year, we had performed in concerts around the country, and we did have some narrowing experience, but thinking about my birthday bash then brought back good memories. 

“And even bigger news.” Mr. B mimicked tears streaming down his face. We screamed in excitement again. We were shooting ‘When The Party’s Over’ later. We weren’t going to cry black tears unlike what Billie Eilish did originally, but we were going to definitely rock it. 

When we were in the W&M section, Tana turned to me and asked, “Remember 24 September?”

I smiled. “How could I forget? You woke me up at 6:00 am to a pizza. It was great.”

She blushed. “You forgot something else.”

I searched my head, then realised. “Oh, yeah! It was your idea.” 

She gave a big nod. “Right.”

“Hey, how’s your ankle doing?” I gestured to her bare foot. There were no crutches, either. That’s because she healed quick, even though it took a month. It crossed my thirteenth birthday too, which was just a few weeks ago. But she was good to go for tour.

“Better than ever.” She wiggled it around. “I pulled off cartwheels and flips during dance rehearsal. That’s a good sign.”

I nodded.

There was silence. An awkward one. 

“So…see you around?” Tana tapped the floor with her foot.

“Yeah, sure, I guess.” I walked away, but smiling to myself.

Things were improving with her.

---

3. Fleeting Moments Of Ecstasy 

I gritted my teeth. That day was the big dodgeball match. I realised I never told you about what I did in dodgeball, but now, I might as well tell you about it. 

There are many ways to play dodgeball. Our way was where the dodger stood in the middle of a huge circle, the circle made up by the rest of us. If the dodger was hit in the leg, then they were out, and the person who hit them was the new dodger. This went on for long times, until someone broke the game up, and in our case, it was always Mr. Bowers.

I was the dodger then, and I jumped, bobbed and weaved my way through the game, avoiding the ball in the best possible ways. But I became a little careless, as, when I was gloating my way to glory as a dodgeball champion of dodgers, Tana sneak-attacked me with the ball and hit me in the ankle. 

“Out!” Elijah cheered.

“Aww, man,” I muttered, watching Tana skip her way to the centre of the circle as I joined the border. 

I was determined to get even. Sure, maybe I liked her, but some things never change. 

The ball was in Indigo’s hand. I signalled her to pass it to me through Tana. She threw a bullet pass, which Tana expertly evaded, but the ball came in my hands. I took aim, and threw the ball at her right leg. However, it didn’t go as I thought, as it ended up hitting her just-recovered ankle. She doubled over in pain. 

“Tana, are you okay?” I asked, worried. 

“Yeah, I’m okay,” said Tana, a devilish grin forming on her face, “with bending the rules to blast you!” 

She grabbed the ball and hit me, again, in the shin. I hit her back, and it went back and forth between us. Everyone cheered for the fun fight. 

Then, suddenly, Tana came running and tackled me to the ground, like it was a football game. We fell on the grass, exhausted. Breathing hard. I stared at Tana above me, hair hanging over her face, her knees on my legs.

“Why, you gonna give up, boy?” she asked, laughing.

I grinned. “Yeah, maybe.”

The rest of the gang was watching. I suddenly felt very noticed. 

Tana brushed my sweaty hair off my face, which made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, then she got up and pulled me to my feet. 

“You didn’t need to do that,” I mumbled.

She gave me a look. “You know who I am to you. So, I may need to, at times.” 

The gang had gone inside when we were talking. Maybe to spy on us through the window, or something. Good enough, they weren’t around now. I was nervous when they were in our presence.

“Maybe I should repay favours,” I said, reaching out for her hair, tucking a loose strand behind her ear. Tana stood still. I let go. 

“So, made you feel better?” I asked her.

She nodded, too flustered to say anything, and brushed past me to get going home. 

Wow. And I thought I didn’t have it in me.

---

4. My Unstoppable Girl

We left NYC after a hosting a couple of concerts there. A flight to Philadelphia counted next. The travelling also became an opportunity for Mr. and Mrs. Bowers to search for homes to live in. It had to be anywhere far from New York. I felt the end neared. 

During practice in Philly, as we started to call it, Mr. B burst in with good news. 

“We have found a house here, as well as a local private school to go to, Tana. We’ll be safe soon,” he said to her. Tana smiled and pretended to feel good about it, but I could see that she didn’t like being happy with something that could tear her away from the city and friends she loved. At least, that’s what I thought.

We also got to do solos for some concerts too. Some of us chose already JP’d songs, while some picked uncovered ones. I picked ‘I Like Me Better’ for all of my solos. Tana went a different direction.

During our concert in Irvine, California, she picked ’Unstoppable’ by Sia for a solo. It was a far cry from what we picked, but she wasn’t listening when we requested her to change the song.

“I’m keepin’ this song. No ifs, ands or buts. Got it?” She said, but there was a harder edge in her voice. What was going on?

I took her by the hand and led us far from the group.

“What?” She snarled, releasing.

“What’s up with you? You’ve been acting strange ever since you find out you were finally moving to Philadelphia,” I said.

Her eyes softened. 

“You can tell me,” I prompted.

She sighed. “I need to tell my dad I can stay, but now that I realise it, nothing’s going to change his mind.”

I took a deep breath, and thought. If I could say something that will keep Tana feeling like it’s the end of the world, what would it be?

“Maybe you don’t need to change his mind. Maybe all it takes is a little eye-opener to your heart.” I touched her cheek. “He’ll see what you feel, and he’ll understand.” 

She nodded, a tear rolling down her face. I wiped it. 

“Trev?” she asked, meekly.

I played with her strands. “Yeah?”

She reached out to put my hand down. “Do you understand why I have to leave now? After the raid?”

I swallowed hard. It was hard to admit, but I had to. “Yeah. I understand.”

She hugged me, whispering, “Thanks”.

I squeezed back, not saying anything. Releasing, I wanted to tell her that she had the guts to go out there and rock the stage. But she didn’t need it, as she kissed my cheek and ran onstage.

I heard the music, and peeked from backstage. Tana was delivering an introductory solo dance. Then, she sang:

“I'll smile, I know what it takes to fool this town

I'll do it till the sun goes down

And all through the nighttime, oh yeah,

Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what you want to hear

Keep my sunglasses on while I shed a tear

It's never the right time, yeah, yeah…”

She launched into the pre-chorus with smooth yet powerful moves.

“I’ll put my armour on,

Show you how strong I am

I'll put my armour on,

I'll show you that I am!”

Chorus time. But the Tana I knew wasn’t there that time. No, there was a different Tana, who was tired of holding back her feelings and being the quiet kid. She was letting it all spill, and in a powerfully bold way. 

“I'm unstoppable

I'm a Porsche with no brakes

I'm invincible

Yeah, I win every single game

I'm so powerful

I don't need batteries to play

I'm so confident

I'm unstoppable today

Unstoppable today, unstoppable today, unstoppable today

I'm unstoppable today…” 

When her performance ended, there was silence. Then, a roaring applause. I even heard hoots and whistles. 

She had us spellbound.

---

After that performance, Mr. B was the first to hug Tana tight. I had another question after he did that.

Had he seen the eye-opener to Tana’s heart?

---

5. Nagging Hearts

Narrative Continued by Tana

Trevor had given me a small piece of his heart on the ‘Unstoppable’ day, by telling me what I didn’t expect to hear, but close to what I wanted. His eyes also said a little. The fact that he understood my moving away was gold to me. I needed his words to encourage me to step up and do my best. 

I received accolades from everyone, saying that my solo was outstanding. Even Dad hugged me and told me I did a fantastic job, and I asked him whether he listened with his heart. 

“Honey,” he said, kneeling on one foot, “I listened with everything I got.” But I doubted he heard that I didn’t want to go. No one did, except for Trevor, and it was something that made my heart beat a little more than usual. 

It was strange. I’d feel comfortable and nervous when I talked to him. But it leaned towards the better side, and he made it easier. It made me feel good. 

One day, a Sunday, he and I were walking along the road. We were wearing coats; it was getting chilly in October, but not enough for snow yet. The autumnal signs were evident—red and brown leaves, the coffee stores being full, etc., etc. 

I felt Trevor’s hand curl around mine, and I held on. 

“So, what’s the best autumn song?” He asked me.

“Mmm.” I racked the musical side of my head. “I’m betting on something with acoustic guitar. What about you?”

He pursed his lips. “I prefer those live albums. Something rustic.”

“Guitars with live then makes the autumn music season.” 

He nodded.

“‘What’s On Your Mind’ by Alessia Cara seems perfect. The live version.” I hummed a little of it.

“You’re right,” he said. 

That’s how most days went with him. We’d either talk about music, or life, or something trending. It was bliss, and it was torture. I was going to leave, too soon. I didn’t tell anyone yet, but it was going to come up and out soon. 

I hope it didn’t.

---

6. Horror Stories

Narrative Resumed by Trevor 

We had ‘Bad Guy’ as our next music video. It was for the JPK Halloween special. I liked the song, but after a makeup session which involved excruciating face painting, I changed my mind.

We were going to have one half of our faces painted to look like either zombies, Frankensteins, skeletons, pumpkins, witches, anything spooky. I got zombie face paint. 

It took so long. Like, an hour, tops. But first, I had to shoot myself, without paint, a scared shot to tell people that they were in for a bad treat. But later? Oh, man, it wasn’t brief. It was pure art, and now I knew how canvases felt.

While I was being layered on, Tana came back from her session, and there wasn’t much. Just light makeup, and a fake spider stuck on the corner of her forehead. Her hair was swept up in an elaborate hairdo, and she wore a long purple dress that was light and airy enough for dancing.

“That’s it?” I mumbled, unable to speak loud enough ‘cause of my face painting. 

“Yeah.” She pulled a chair and sat next to me. “Witches get their lucky break.”

The makeup artist was done with a light layer on my face. She called for Mrs. B to finish the rest, and she obliged. Mrs. B came over and started fine-tuning my zombie side.

“Well,” I managed to say, “pretty witches don’t exactly need much work on them.” This was my first attempt at flirting with Tana, and let’s just say it somehow did the trick. Tana blushed, and Mrs. B raised her eyebrows playfully. Her parents knew I was good news.

“Well, you don’t get handsome zombies around so much.” Tana grinned.

My face felt warm. Boy, it was a back and forth thing.

After the rest of us finally finished face painting, we shot the video, and Mr. B got to editing. The next day, we watched it, and let’s just admit that we were scared, seeing ourselves as half-human, half-otherworldly-spook. It was further proof that the video was going to work. 

But, I tell you folks, those were the days.

---

7. Just Say We Won’t Let Go

After the ‘Bad Guy’ shoot, it was nearing November. And that called for me to get a little seriously crazy thinking about my YouTube reputation. I had my YT channel, and I occasionally posted covers of songs. But then, I hit upon ‘Say You Won’t Let Go’ by James Arthur, and I was convinced that this song could rock the socks off my viewers.

Back then, we were in Miami, and, yes, it was familiar touring the place where we shot ‘Girl Like Me’, the epic beach party song sung for kids by kids. I loved that day.

I entered the recording room and picked up the guitar. I wasn’t recording yet, just trying the notes and the song. 

Strumming the guitar, I played the intro, then hummed through the first verse. As I was getting started with the pre-chorus, I saw Tana walk in. I didn’t stop, though, and I continued strumming. When I finished until the first chorus, I thought of singing.

Tana sat next to me. I smiled and started:

“I met you in the dark, you lit me up

You made me feel as though I was enough

We danced the night away, we sang so much

I held your hand that way you were singing, oh…”

Tana closed her eyes and bobbed her head to the beat. I was having a good feeling about that.

“Then you smiled over your shoulder

For a minute, I was feeling older

I said I thought you were the best 

And you asked me to stand closer

I said, I already told you

I think that you should get some rest…”

She laid her head on my shoulder. 

“I'm so in love with you

And I hope you know

Darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold

We've come so far my dear

Look how we've grown

And I wanna stay with you

Until we're grey and old

Just say you won't let go

Just say you won't let go…”

I sang the rest of the song, and strummed the background music on my guitar. Tana’s head stayed on my shoulder, too. When I was done, I looked at her, and kissed her hair.

So I wrote this song for you

Now everybody knows

That it's just you and me

Until we're grey and old…

---

8. ‘Santa Tell Me’

Strangely enough, Mr. Bowers shifted one of the Christmas songs, which were set to be recorded in December, to November, then. I know the reason he did it, today, but back then, I had no clue why. 

“‘Santa Tell Me’,” said Ms. Tempi at singing rehearsal one week. “By Ariana Grande. I must say, I still prefer the tunes to ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ by Mariah Carey, but, nevertheless, it is still quite lovely.” 

“It’s not like Mariah Carey is bad,” Liv intoned. “Rather, I do like the song you mentioned.”

Ms. Tempi grinned. “Right.”

After rehearsal, I wanted to talk to Tana. Fortunately, she was outside Mr. B’s office.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey.” She nodded, and said, “I have news.”

“What?”

“We’re not moving to Philadelphia.”

“That’s great!” I felt like a huge two-ton boulder had been lifted off my back. 

She shook her head. “No, it’s not.”

“Why?”

“We’re not moving to Philadelphia, we’re going farther. To Fresno.”

The two-ton boulder was back, but now it had been doubled to four tons. “That’s…on the other side of the country!” 

“I know.” She sniffled. “I’m sorry.”

I reached for her hand, but she turned on her heel and walked away.

Just like she would’ve walked away from New York.

---

9. Soft and Warm

We were scheduled to return to NYC soon, much to the disappointment of the fans. There were also angry faces who wondered why we had to leave early. Normally, it was the season of tour, but I guess with the Monites and moving, tensions had apparently risen.

On the bus ride to an airport, I looked outside the window. Were things changing? I could tell that from the subdued aura inside. Everyone was either whispering or quiet. I sat back. No sense pondering all day. I might as well do something.

Tana came and plopped down next to me. We were hanging out more often. It was going to the point where we couldn’t sit still for five minutes without talking to each other. 

“Pretty drab, isn’t it?” she asked me.

I nodded.

Her hand covered mine. “I’ll be fine.”

I looked at her. She had certainly grown up more, taking risks and reassuring herself. I hoped she stayed the same. 

“Trevor.” 

A tear rolled down my cheek, and I didn’t even realise it.

“Hey…”

I shook my head. “I’m not gonna handle it well, if you move. You don’t know how much I—“

“I do know. I’ve felt it too.” She tried to muster a smile. “Come on, cheer up.”

I looked down. “Can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

What happened next—I didn’t know how it happened. I leaned in and kissed her. On the lips. I felt soft and warm, and my insides were switching places. When I let go, Tana sat there with a very somber expression.

“Thanks for telling me, or doing it to me,” she said.

I blushed. “I had been waiting, but I guess it was too long. The sooner, the better, you know?”

And better it was.

---

10. What? No!

Narrative Continued by Tana

While Mom, Dad and I unpacked our things at home, I couldn’t help but smile inwardly. Trevor kissed me, gave me his heart, everything. Maybe there would be a bit of a happy ending. It was probably the second thing I had wanted after a JPK status. I wanted to tell Mom and Dad. They’d be really happy.

But there was news. Bad news.

“Wendy, Tana, repack. I just got the message. The flight’s ready,” said Dad waving his phone.

“What flight?” I asked.

Holly cocked her ear.

“The double flight to Sacramento, plus the train drive to Fresno.”

I gasped. “What?”

Mom looked at Dad. “Maybe give her a little time, Andy—“

“I’m sorry, but it can’t wait.” For a second, Dad wanted to regret telling me this so late.

“I can’t say goodbye?” My eyes were wet.

He swallowed hard, and I knew.

---

Narrative Resumed by Trevor

I was at home, absentmindedly playing tunes on my guitar, when I heard the sound of tires. I jumped to my feet and rushed to the window. Mr. B’s car was getting started. What for?

But when I saw Tana packing some suitcases in the trunk and Mrs. B carrying Holly, and a few seconds later, the car spinning away into the distance, I knew what had happened.

I slammed the window with my fist, then ran to my bed, not wanting to see more. Crying a waterfall of tears, I held a pillow to my face.

They were leaving.

For good.

---